BUT WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID IT?


i was thinking of a color
you said red
but it wasn’t red
it was an angry sort of orange
bright and terrible 
signaling heat
you were thinking of a word
i guessed love
but you were really thinking 
the word you were thinking of was
meander
you liked how it sounded like its meaning
i thought there must be a word for that
but i couldn’t think of it
i was thinking about you
i was actually thinking of your cheekbones 
a place my thoughts like to rest in
i was thinking of the phrase 
living in the moment
which of course we are all already doing
i am living in the moment where you are
how lucky for me
you were talking about what makes someone
good at what they do
i was thinking of the last time it rained
how i was in my hot little bed
and the rain came for me specifically 
to cool me down and pattern me to sleep
but you know i know it wasn’t for me
you were thinking of me at least some of the time
when i wasn’t there
although how awful would it be if you weren’t
i wasn’t trying to get you
because i already have some small part of you
that i carry around inside me constantly
i was thinking i know this can’t last
i was thinking how sad i am for that inevitability 
and i was thinking of how funny it is 
that once it happens i won’t be as sad as i am now
not feeling it
you were thinking about waking up

ALL OF TIME FELL DOWN


something like we when we are doing this are not ourselves

this is about my body obviously 

but when i say time i don’t mean time 

i mean the book called time

obvious baby

i saw the most amazing sneakers of my generation

throw yourself out of the house down the stairs cross the street both ways

on the walk to dinner we talk about our childhood presbyterianism 

there wasn’t one moment i stopped believing other things became more important 

like being gay

time was a book i lived in and it was called time passed

this was the stupidest game we could have both played and still won

in my heart in the prisoner’s dilemma i choose not to share

but i live my life as if i always share

i hid snack food from my siblings in the couch cushions

not knowing how to address class i decided to be as honest as i could and told everyone how much my life cost

i remember when ryan called me baby and then asked if we were using terms of endearment yet

darling ryan, adequate boy

FIRST FANTASY


at dinner i was seated perfectly 
slight sunburn 

petite desire
the thought “diet cum”

impossible fog on the river 
enveloped the whole train into a mood 

i’m 75% of the way to being in love
i guess that’s bingo

i kiss my friends goodbye
i think i outlived my debts

what percentage of being funny 
is your way of saying things?

i asked you why you weren’t kissing me 
and you didn’t kiss me

everyone can do it in a big rush 
but i just slowly stream my way along

occasionally i get it just right
very funny world you’ve got there